Saturday, August 21, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Trials of love
Life is full of trials.
Some are more {difficult} than others.
Nevertheless, they serve as the outline to the story of our lives.
They help to define our character and show us strength in ourselves that we did not know existed.
There is a lesson to be learned from every situation we find ourselves in.
It is not the circumstances that we go through but what we take away from them, the stuff that sticks with us, molds our hearts, fills our souls.
Will I be brave? Will I keep my faith? Can I keep a kind heart even when I am scared? Will I have patience? Understanding? Grace?
LIFE. IS. HARD.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For me, the {hard} part of life was really put into perspective when I became a mom. It has been harder than I ever imagined it would be, but then again, life is full of surprises. My story would be boring if everything was predictable and perfect.
The fact that I can say that I have a son is a miracle. He came into this world in a most {unexpected} way. Christian's story is the kind that grabs you from the very beginning and you can't set it down because you can't wait to read what happens next. You just know that he is bound for greatness.......you can see it in his eyes. He has a sparkle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Christian had his laryngotracheal reconstruction on June 9th I was nervous. I knew it was a huge step forward and a positive thing. I felt in my heart that all would go well and had an overall peace.
However, I could not ignore the extreme aching in my heart and soul that I had, knowing what he was about to endure. As a mother, there is nothing you would not do to prevent your child from ever having to experience any kind of pain. Lord knows that Christian has already experienced more than his fair share of it.
I handed my smiling, charming little boy to a pretty doctor and watched as he looked at her. He did not look for me as I rounded the corner and peeked back at him. He was calm, relaxed and smiling. I walked down the hall and through the double doors, my heart in my chest, but I didn't cry. I thanked God for that moment, seeing Christian so happy. I knew things would be fine.
Five hours later Christian was out of surgery and in the PICU. He slept for the rest of the evening, waking occasionally and I would calm him and let him know I was there. I slept in a rocker beside his crib so that I was the first thing he would see when he woke up.
I was in what I call my "zone". I refused to let the site of the wounds and stitches and feeding tube send me into a tearful frenzy. I told myself that this was one more thing to get through and that we would do just that...get through it. I had to be the mom that Christian needed me to be.....strong, level-headed, positive thinker, comforter. That would be my role through this. I could not fall apart. There was no turning back now. We could only move forward.
The day after surgery was one of the most difficult and exhausting days of my life.
Christian was in an extreme amount of pain. This was to be expected given the type of surgery that he had. He was on several strong medications as well as some medications to help him "relax." Well, Christian has the opposite reactions to drugs that are meant to act as a sedative. He can not relax if given these types of drugs. He was doped up and inconsolably agitated and uncomfortable. The site of me in the room would throw him into even more of a frenzy. He would start to doze off only to awake suddenly in a scared panic. It was miserable to witness. HEART-WRENCHING.
I had to leave him to the nurses to care for and comfort him because he would not even try to relax once he saw me. This was so hard. I had always been the one there by his side, usually the only one, that could really calm him and make him relax. Now I was the reminder that things were not okay.
I sat quietly tucked in the corner behind his crib so he could not see me. He could not see me but I was there. I watched as the sweetest nurses tried everything possible to make him comfortable. They wheeled him in a wagon around and around and around the PICU. Sometimes when he passed the room I could see he was calm and the next time he was scared and crying.
They would sing to him and rock him. I went to my bag and grabbed his musical dog that he sleeps with at night. I handed it to the nurse and tucked myself back into the corner, making sure that he didn't see me....but I was there.
The nurse pulled on the string and the familiar music filled the room.
And that is when I lost it.
I buried my face into the sleeves of my fleece and silently screamed. I could no longer hold back my tears and I sat there and sobbed and sobbed, silently, so he could not hear me.....but I was there.
It was the familiar sound of that musical dog that got me. It was a comfort of home....not this hospital room. It was a sound from happier days, not pain-filled, anxious days. What had I done to my child? Did we make the wrong decision? He was so happy, so perfect, just the way he was. Now he is experiencing all of this because of a decision that Jason and I made? What was I thinking?
It was then that I acknowledged that I was still trying to control the situation I was in. As soon as I realized and accepted that I was completely helpless I was able to turn it all over to God. Almost immediately I had my peace back. I felt like I could breathe.
Oh yeah???? Why did it take me all this time to do what I already knew I needed to do? It is because I am far from perfect. That peace I get when I finally let go and give it all to God is my reminder that He is always teaching me something. It forces me to step back, re-evaluate and try to see the message He is wanting me to see.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christian had woke up at 5 that morning and did not rest even once until he finally fell asleep at 11:30 that night. It was such a relief when I learned he was finally asleep. It was truly an answer to my prayers.
The next few days were amazing.
Christian was finally himself again. Although he was still in pain, it was well controlled with proper medication. We said goodbye to all sedatives. Things were looking up.
We spent a total of 3 days in the hospital and then were able to take him home. He still had the feeding tube and would have to have it for the next two weeks. I was once again in my "zone" and knew that we could get through this. I had previous experience with feeding tubes and so after a little refresher course with the nurse, my confidence was back.
The next few weeks were extremely difficult between the feeding tube and staying on top of all of Christian's medications. Jason and I had decided that we would not eat or drink anything in front of Christian while he had the feeding tube. This was a challenge too.
Christian was so glad to be home and see his daddy. He was clearly more comfortable in his own bed.
Christian went back into surgery on June 23rd and the doctor was able to remove some stitches as well as the feeding tube. This was such a blessing because Christian was so much more comfortable. From that point on life was getting back to a more normal feel for us. Christian was able to eat and drink by mouth and was feeling good. He still had quite a bit of healing to do though.
On July 14th Christian went back into surgery and the doctor reported that he was extremely pleased with the healing process of Christian's airway. He told us that he did not want to check him again until September. He feels confident that we should be able to determine when we can take the trach tube out at that time.
Christian's next surgery is scheduled for September 17th.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I truly believe that the difficult times we go through are all for a reason. If I look back at all of the trials in my life I can always see the good that came from the situation.
I can honestly say that those hard times have been blessings.
I have learned so much about love from the most difficult things in my life.
There is the love of God, that constantly surrounds me and is there EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just the hard days.
There is the love of my family and friends that is never ending. I am surrounded by amazing people in my life.
I have so much appreciation and love for the doctors and nurses who have helped Christian survive.
The love I have for my child is so indescribable. He is such a blessing. I thank God for choosing me to be his mom. I would go through it all again for him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do my best to keep in mind that every day is a new day in my {story}.
I know that not all days will be good days......but most of them will be. And each and every day is a blessing.
Some are more {difficult} than others.
Nevertheless, they serve as the outline to the story of our lives.
They help to define our character and show us strength in ourselves that we did not know existed.
There is a lesson to be learned from every situation we find ourselves in.
It is not the circumstances that we go through but what we take away from them, the stuff that sticks with us, molds our hearts, fills our souls.
Will I be brave? Will I keep my faith? Can I keep a kind heart even when I am scared? Will I have patience? Understanding? Grace?
LIFE. IS. HARD.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For me, the {hard} part of life was really put into perspective when I became a mom. It has been harder than I ever imagined it would be, but then again, life is full of surprises. My story would be boring if everything was predictable and perfect.
The fact that I can say that I have a son is a miracle. He came into this world in a most {unexpected} way. Christian's story is the kind that grabs you from the very beginning and you can't set it down because you can't wait to read what happens next. You just know that he is bound for greatness.......you can see it in his eyes. He has a sparkle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Christian had his laryngotracheal reconstruction on June 9th I was nervous. I knew it was a huge step forward and a positive thing. I felt in my heart that all would go well and had an overall peace.
However, I could not ignore the extreme aching in my heart and soul that I had, knowing what he was about to endure. As a mother, there is nothing you would not do to prevent your child from ever having to experience any kind of pain. Lord knows that Christian has already experienced more than his fair share of it.
I handed my smiling, charming little boy to a pretty doctor and watched as he looked at her. He did not look for me as I rounded the corner and peeked back at him. He was calm, relaxed and smiling. I walked down the hall and through the double doors, my heart in my chest, but I didn't cry. I thanked God for that moment, seeing Christian so happy. I knew things would be fine.
Five hours later Christian was out of surgery and in the PICU. He slept for the rest of the evening, waking occasionally and I would calm him and let him know I was there. I slept in a rocker beside his crib so that I was the first thing he would see when he woke up.
I was in what I call my "zone". I refused to let the site of the wounds and stitches and feeding tube send me into a tearful frenzy. I told myself that this was one more thing to get through and that we would do just that...get through it. I had to be the mom that Christian needed me to be.....strong, level-headed, positive thinker, comforter. That would be my role through this. I could not fall apart. There was no turning back now. We could only move forward.
The day after surgery was one of the most difficult and exhausting days of my life.
Christian was in an extreme amount of pain. This was to be expected given the type of surgery that he had. He was on several strong medications as well as some medications to help him "relax." Well, Christian has the opposite reactions to drugs that are meant to act as a sedative. He can not relax if given these types of drugs. He was doped up and inconsolably agitated and uncomfortable. The site of me in the room would throw him into even more of a frenzy. He would start to doze off only to awake suddenly in a scared panic. It was miserable to witness. HEART-WRENCHING.
I had to leave him to the nurses to care for and comfort him because he would not even try to relax once he saw me. This was so hard. I had always been the one there by his side, usually the only one, that could really calm him and make him relax. Now I was the reminder that things were not okay.
I sat quietly tucked in the corner behind his crib so he could not see me. He could not see me but I was there. I watched as the sweetest nurses tried everything possible to make him comfortable. They wheeled him in a wagon around and around and around the PICU. Sometimes when he passed the room I could see he was calm and the next time he was scared and crying.
They would sing to him and rock him. I went to my bag and grabbed his musical dog that he sleeps with at night. I handed it to the nurse and tucked myself back into the corner, making sure that he didn't see me....but I was there.
The nurse pulled on the string and the familiar music filled the room.
And that is when I lost it.
I buried my face into the sleeves of my fleece and silently screamed. I could no longer hold back my tears and I sat there and sobbed and sobbed, silently, so he could not hear me.....but I was there.
It was the familiar sound of that musical dog that got me. It was a comfort of home....not this hospital room. It was a sound from happier days, not pain-filled, anxious days. What had I done to my child? Did we make the wrong decision? He was so happy, so perfect, just the way he was. Now he is experiencing all of this because of a decision that Jason and I made? What was I thinking?
It was then that I acknowledged that I was still trying to control the situation I was in. As soon as I realized and accepted that I was completely helpless I was able to turn it all over to God. Almost immediately I had my peace back. I felt like I could breathe.
Oh yeah???? Why did it take me all this time to do what I already knew I needed to do? It is because I am far from perfect. That peace I get when I finally let go and give it all to God is my reminder that He is always teaching me something. It forces me to step back, re-evaluate and try to see the message He is wanting me to see.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christian had woke up at 5 that morning and did not rest even once until he finally fell asleep at 11:30 that night. It was such a relief when I learned he was finally asleep. It was truly an answer to my prayers.
The next few days were amazing.
Christian was finally himself again. Although he was still in pain, it was well controlled with proper medication. We said goodbye to all sedatives. Things were looking up.
We spent a total of 3 days in the hospital and then were able to take him home. He still had the feeding tube and would have to have it for the next two weeks. I was once again in my "zone" and knew that we could get through this. I had previous experience with feeding tubes and so after a little refresher course with the nurse, my confidence was back.
The next few weeks were extremely difficult between the feeding tube and staying on top of all of Christian's medications. Jason and I had decided that we would not eat or drink anything in front of Christian while he had the feeding tube. This was a challenge too.
Christian was so glad to be home and see his daddy. He was clearly more comfortable in his own bed.
Christian went back into surgery on June 23rd and the doctor was able to remove some stitches as well as the feeding tube. This was such a blessing because Christian was so much more comfortable. From that point on life was getting back to a more normal feel for us. Christian was able to eat and drink by mouth and was feeling good. He still had quite a bit of healing to do though.
On July 14th Christian went back into surgery and the doctor reported that he was extremely pleased with the healing process of Christian's airway. He told us that he did not want to check him again until September. He feels confident that we should be able to determine when we can take the trach tube out at that time.
Christian's next surgery is scheduled for September 17th.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I truly believe that the difficult times we go through are all for a reason. If I look back at all of the trials in my life I can always see the good that came from the situation.
I can honestly say that those hard times have been blessings.
I have learned so much about love from the most difficult things in my life.
There is the love of God, that constantly surrounds me and is there EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just the hard days.
There is the love of my family and friends that is never ending. I am surrounded by amazing people in my life.
I have so much appreciation and love for the doctors and nurses who have helped Christian survive.
The love I have for my child is so indescribable. He is such a blessing. I thank God for choosing me to be his mom. I would go through it all again for him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do my best to keep in mind that every day is a new day in my {story}.
I know that not all days will be good days......but most of them will be. And each and every day is a blessing.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Whatsa Happenin' Here!
I can't seem to get back into blogging on a regular schedule (and I am okay with that). I do, however, want to post today and summarize what has been going on in the Lee household these days.
1. I am pregnant!!!!! In fact, I am 22 weeks pregnant. I don't know why I have not posted about it before this. Surely, it deserves a post all in it's own. We found out last week that we will be welcoming a sweet baby GIRL in early September! Needless to say, we are already IN LOVE with her and very excited. I will post more about this later.
2. Jason has been back to work for about 2 months now! Thank goodness. This has been an answer to prayers. He is working for a company out of Kennewick and is really enjoying it.
3. Christian is growing, growing, growing, and continues to amaze us each and every day. Right now he is soooooo into Alvin & The Chipmunks, playing outside, experimenting with water colors, books, books, books, and cars, cars, and more cars. :) He brings surprises and smiles and continues to make each day an adventure!
1. I am pregnant!!!!! In fact, I am 22 weeks pregnant. I don't know why I have not posted about it before this. Surely, it deserves a post all in it's own. We found out last week that we will be welcoming a sweet baby GIRL in early September! Needless to say, we are already IN LOVE with her and very excited. I will post more about this later.
2. Jason has been back to work for about 2 months now! Thank goodness. This has been an answer to prayers. He is working for a company out of Kennewick and is really enjoying it.
4. Christian's surgery has been scheduled for June 9th. My mom is going to be able to go down there with us and be with us the entire time. I feel so much better knowing that I will have her there with me to help get through this. It will not be easy and I am scared. I keep telling Jason that it will probably go smoother than I can anticipate and Christian will be home before we know it, trach free, and learning to talk to us. I was scared when he had to get his trach placed and it ended up being (easier) than I had imagined. Praying constantly for my little guy and for the strength to be exactly the kind of mother he needs me to be through all this.
5. Jason celebrated his 26th birthday on May 1st. We had a bbq with family and friends. He is so handsome. LOVE this guy!
6. Jason rescued a lost dachshund last Friday. She had been hanging around the school he is currently working on for about a week. He was very concerned that something terrible was going to happen to her. She was filthy, hungry and tired. He called me and asked if he could bring her home and we would work on finding her owners. He bathed her and snuggled her and treated her like a princess. We called her Isabella. She was a super sweet dog, just like our own Cleo girl. She was a joy to have in our home.
She slept with Jason downstairs and did not ever let him out of her sight. The next morning, Jason got on line and miraculously located her owners. Come to find out her name is Zoey and she had been lost for over a week. Her owners had been trying every avenue they could think of to locate her. Can you believe Jason located them through and add they placed on Craig's list????
They picked her up that evening. They were extremely relieved and thankful for the care we gave their sweet dog. Jason and I were happy to be able to reunite the dog with her owners.
I am so proud of my husband. Most people would turn the other way and not give a second thought to helping out that dog, not him. He has a HUGE heart and this is just a small example of the kind of caring person he is. I know it was bittersweet for him to say goodbye to Zoey. They had already formed a special bond and we had decided that she would join our family if we were unable to locate her owners. All worked out the way it was meant to be. Here are a few pics of Zoey (she looks a lot like Cleo).
7. My dad is coming for a visit and will be here next week for 2 weeks!!!
8. I have been gearing up for another yard sale. I am having it in Hermiston at my friend Lisa's house. They get so much more traffic there and lets face it, yard sales are more fun when friends are involved!
9. We bought Christian his "big boy" bed and now just have to buy a mattress and set it up for him. We think he is going to love it!
10. I am so excited to start decorating the new nursery for our baby girl. I have some pretty great ideas and can already picture it perfectly in my mind.
Well there it is. A brief summary of the going-ons in our house lately....more to post about later. Now I am off to shake my booty with my little guy!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
March for Babies 2010 Christian's Peeps
This years March for Babies was a huge success! Our family team "Christian's Peeps" raised over $1,200 for the March of Dimes. We had a fantastic turnout (despite the wind) and the walk was a lot of fun!
We would like to say a BIG "thank you!!!!" to everyone who donated money, gave their support and showed up to the walk. Your love and support is what helped us through our walk with prematurity and you all continue to help us, more than you know, as we continue along the path.
We look forward to next year!
Love Crystal, Jason &Christian
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It has been 2 years ago today............
3/11/2008 Christian 7 lb. 15 ounces 4 and half months old
Dear Christian,
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day you were able to leave the NICU. After 4 and half months I stepped through those double doors with you in tow. As soon as the doors closed behind us I just stood there, looking at you, and cried. It was the first time I had truly been alone with you, my beautiful son.
I could not wait to get you in that blue outfit and snuggle you into your stroller with your very own soft, snuggly blanket. Do you know that the blanket I wrapped you in that day was a gift from your Papa? It is also your favorite one and you sleep with it every night.
Mommy and Daddy will always remember the 4 and half months you spent in the NICU. I don't know if we will ever get to a point where the very thought of those days don't bring tears to our eyes.
We thank God that you will have no memory of those days and what you endured. There are many things though that we will tell you about when you are older.
Like these things:
YOU are a miracle.
YOU inspired doctors and nurses.
YOU proved that statistics do not matter. GOD matters.
YOU are the strongest person I have ever known.
YOU are fearless.
YOU have eyes that have comforted me during the most trying times.
YOU are loved.
Mommy and Daddy love you so much, pumpkin nugget. You make everyday an adventure for us! We are so proud of you!
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
