Trials of love

Life is full of trials.  

Some are more {difficult} than others.

Nevertheless, they serve as the outline to the story of our lives.   

They help to define our character and show us strength in ourselves that we did not know existed. 

There is a lesson to be learned from every situation we find ourselves in. 

 It is not the circumstances that we go through but what we take away from them, the stuff that sticks with us, molds our hearts, fills our souls. 

 Will I be brave?  Will I keep my faith?  Can I keep a kind heart even when I am scared?   Will I have patience? Understanding? Grace? 

LIFE. IS. HARD.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For me, the {hard} part of life was really put into perspective when I became a mom.  It has been harder than I ever imagined it would be, but then again, life is full of surprises.  My story would be boring if everything was predictable and perfect. 

The fact that I can say that I have a son is a miracle.  He came into this world in a most {unexpected} way.  Christian's story is the kind that grabs you from the very beginning and you can't set it down because you can't wait to read what happens next.  You just know that he is bound for greatness.......you can see it in his eyes.  He has a sparkle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Christian had his laryngotracheal reconstruction on June 9th I was nervous.  I knew it was a huge step forward and a positive thing.  I felt in my heart that all would go well and had an overall peace. 

However, I could not ignore the extreme aching in my heart and soul that I had, knowing what he was about to endure.  As a mother, there is nothing you would not do to prevent your child from ever having to experience any kind of pain.  Lord knows that Christian has already experienced more than his fair share of it. 

I handed my smiling, charming little boy to a pretty doctor and watched as he looked at her.  He did not look for me as I rounded the corner and peeked back at him.  He was calm, relaxed and smiling.  I walked down the hall and through the double doors, my heart in my chest, but I didn't cry.  I thanked God for that moment, seeing Christian so happy.  I knew things would be fine.

Five hours later Christian was out of surgery and in the PICU.  He slept for the rest of the evening, waking occasionally and I would calm him and let him know I was there.  I slept in a rocker beside his crib so that I was the first thing he would see when he woke up.

I was in what I call my "zone".  I refused to let the site of the wounds and stitches and feeding tube send me into a tearful frenzy.  I told myself that this was one more thing to get through and that we would do just that...get through it.  I had to be the mom that Christian needed me to be.....strong, level-headed, positive thinker, comforter.  That would be my role through this.  I could not fall apart.  There was no turning back now. We could only move forward.

The day after surgery was one of the most difficult and exhausting days of my life.

Christian was in an extreme amount of pain.  This was to be expected given the type of surgery that he had.  He was on several strong medications as well as some medications to help him "relax."  Well, Christian has the opposite reactions to drugs that are meant to act as a sedative.  He can not relax if given these types of drugs.  He was doped up and inconsolably agitated and uncomfortable.  The site of  me in the room would throw him into even more of a frenzy. He would start to doze off only to awake suddenly in a scared panic.  It was miserable to witness.  HEART-WRENCHING. 

 I had to leave him to the nurses to care for and comfort him because he would not even try to relax once he saw me.  This was so hard.  I had always been the one there by his side, usually the only one, that could really calm him and make him relax.  Now I was the reminder that things were not okay.

I sat quietly tucked in the corner behind his crib so he could not see me.  He could not see me but I was there.  I watched as the sweetest nurses tried everything possible to make him comfortable.  They wheeled him in a wagon around and around and around the PICU.  Sometimes when he passed the room I could see he was calm and the next time he was scared and crying. 

They would sing to him and rock him.  I went to my bag and grabbed his musical dog that he sleeps with at night.  I handed it to the nurse and tucked myself back into the corner, making sure that he didn't see me....but I was there.

The nurse pulled on the string and the familiar music filled the room. 

And that is when I lost it. 

 I buried my face into the sleeves of my fleece and silently screamed.  I could no longer hold back my tears and I sat there and sobbed and sobbed, silently, so he could not hear me.....but I was there.

It was the familiar sound of that musical dog that got me.  It was a comfort of home....not this hospital room.  It was a sound from happier days, not pain-filled, anxious days. What had I done to my child?  Did we make the wrong decision?  He was so happy, so perfect, just the way he was.  Now he is experiencing all of this because of a decision that Jason and I made?  What was I thinking?

It was then that I acknowledged that I was still trying to control the situation I was in.  As soon as I realized and accepted that I was completely helpless I was able to turn it all over to God. Almost immediately I had my peace back.  I felt like I could breathe.

 Oh yeah????  Why did it take me all this time to do what I already knew I needed to do?   It is because I am far from perfect.  That peace I get when I finally let go and give it all to God is my reminder that He is always teaching me something.  It forces me to step back, re-evaluate and try to see the message He is wanting me to see.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christian had woke up at 5 that morning and did not rest even once until he finally fell asleep at 11:30 that night.  It was such a relief when I learned he was finally asleep.  It was truly an answer to my prayers.

The next few days were amazing.

Christian was finally himself again.  Although he was still in pain, it was well controlled with proper medication.  We said goodbye to all sedatives.  Things were looking up. 

We spent a total of 3 days in the hospital and then were able to take him home.  He still had the feeding tube and would have to have it for the next two weeks.  I was once again in my "zone" and knew that we could get through this.  I had previous experience with feeding tubes and so after a little refresher course with the nurse, my confidence was back.

The next few weeks were extremely difficult between the feeding tube and staying on top of all of Christian's medications.  Jason and I had decided that we would not eat or drink anything in front of Christian while he had the feeding tube.  This was a challenge too. 

Christian was so glad to be home and see his daddy.  He was clearly more comfortable in his own bed. 

Christian went back into surgery on June 23rd and the doctor was able to remove some stitches as well as the feeding tube.  This was such a blessing because Christian was so much more comfortable.  From that point on life was getting back to a more normal feel for us.  Christian was able to eat and drink by mouth and was feeling good.  He still had quite a bit of healing to do though.

On July 14th Christian went back into surgery and the doctor reported that he was extremely pleased with the healing process of Christian's airway.  He told us that he did not want to check him again until September.  He feels confident that we should be able to determine when we can take the trach tube out at that time. 

Christian's next surgery is scheduled for September 17th.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I truly believe that the difficult times we go through are all for a reason.  If I look back at all of the trials in my life I can always see the good that came from the situation. 

I can honestly say that those hard times have been blessings.

I have learned so much about love from the most difficult things in my life. 

There is the love of God, that constantly surrounds me and is there EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just the hard days. 

There is the love of my family and friends that is never ending.  I am surrounded by amazing people in my life. 

I have so much appreciation and love for the doctors and nurses who have helped Christian survive. 

The love I have for my child is so indescribable.  He is such a blessing.  I thank God for choosing me to be his mom.  I would go through it all again for him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do my best to keep in mind that every day is a new day in my {story}. 

I know that not all days will be good days......but most of them will be.  And each and every day is a blessing.